Always Anna

Here it is, folks, the list you’ve all been waiting for! What’s that? You can’t remember what you were waiting for? Well, luckily for you, I do! This here list will officially declare which famous people I can have an affair with, without my boyfriend getting upset. Perhaps you’ve seen the episode of Friends where Ross & Rachel make their lists, and Ross’ “alternate” is Isabella Rosselini? If not, you should watch it - it’s hilarious. Anyways, I saw this episode with my boyfriend last week, and we discussed who would be on our list. It’s an eye-opening experience, folks. And here’s my list, for your enjoyment. (And if you’re actually on the list, give me a call. It would really be for your enjoyment. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

5. Taye Diggs. Mmmm… so smooth. So perfect. And that voice! Mmmm….

4. Steven Tyler. To me, he is rock and roll. I think he could teach me things.

3. George Clooney. So hot. So funny. So cool. I don’t think there’s a woman alive who could resist him.

2. Brett Favre. Shut up. He’s not old, he’s just experienced. And if he retires (please, NO!), I’ll no longer have a professional athlete to lust after. Sigh.

1. Matthew McConaughey. You already knew this, and I don’t feel the need to explain in further detail. But here’s a fun tidbit - when I see him on-screen without a shirt, I involuntarily grunt, “Uhhhhhhhh….”

Unlike Ross’ list, this isn’t laminated. I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.

The issue of whether a TV show has “jumped the shark” is obviously purely subjective. But I got to thinking this morning about whether my favorite TV shows (of all time) ever jumped the shark (or if they will soon). Here’s my final analysis:

5. The O.C. - As you all know, The O.C. is one of my favorite shows currently on the air. It’s now partway through it’s third season, and I was recently discussing with some friends whether it has already jumped the shark. Some people say it jumped last season, some people say it jumped in the first episode (which shows a ridiculous misunderstanding of what jumping the shark means, if you ask me). Me? I say it hasn’t jumped yet. But if they decide to put Julie Cooper and Mr. Roberts together, which is where they seem to be heading, I’ll have to agree that the show jumped. And I’ll have to stop watching.

4. South Park - My other favorite current show, which I don’t get to see often because I am too cheap to pay for Comedy Central. But I do get to watch it occasionally, thanks to the generosity of friends who allow me to control the remote at their houses, which allows me to say that this show is awesome, and that it hasn’t jumped the shark yet. I don’t really think they ever will - because the show is based on making fun of current events, as long as there are things to be made fun of, South Park will still be fabulous.

3. The Cosby Show - I grew up loving this show. I still love the reruns, and watch it whenever I stumble across it. But the show did jump the shark, and while there are good arguments for a number of events (Denise returning, Olivia, Saundra’s horrifying presence), I have to say that for me, the event that ruined the show was the introduction of Elvin. He was unbearable to watch and impossible to like, and he killed the great family dynamic that the show was about. I refuse to watch episodes with him in it; I will change channels mid-episode if he walks onscreen. He is the anti-Cosby.

2. Friends - First off, stop insulting me for putting Friends near the top of my list. I loved - LOVED - this show. The characters were great, the story was believably unbelievable (if you know what I mean), and it was almost always hilarious. But, sadly, my Friends did jump the shark. Not when Ross & Rachel got together for the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd time; and not when Chandler & Monica got together - these were events that they foreshadowed from the very beginning. But when they decided to try out a romance between Joey & Rachel, I almost had a coronary. I didn’t stop watching the show - I was addicted by then, and I still had Chandler to make me laugh - but it was painful to watch. I still hate seeing reruns of those episodes, although I can deal because I know that things end up the way they should. But still… whose brilliant idea was that? Ugh.

1. I Love Lucy - As far as I’m concerned, I Love Lucy is the best comedy that was ever on TV. It was consistently hilarious, even in the bizarre Little Ricky and Connecticut years. Each of these events just opened up new doors to hilarity that the show hadn’t been able to have before. Remember the chicken episode? Brilliant! So, my opinion on jumping the shark? Never happened.

I think I need to go buy I Love Lucy on DVD.

I was going to skip this, as I am still in mourning over the USC loss. But then I decided to let y’all know my New Year’s Resolutions! Okay, okay… stop cartwheeling with joy. I resolve to:

5. Start a savings account. Seriously. This is the year. I know it is ridiculous that I have no money stocked away for an emergency, unless you count my change jar. So this year, I am going to figure out a savings plan! I feel so responsible.

4. Start saying “y’all” more often. I figure that since I’m from southern California, it’s okay for me to talk like a Southerner. And “y’all” is such a great word. Fast Gurl and DDD - please encourage me on this one, as I’m sure everyone else will ridicule me.

3. Get my driver’s license. Finally. Ten years after I became eligible. I’m saving the story about my lack of a driver’s license for another time, but after a year in which I actually cared that I didn’t drive, this is the year of action! Watch out Boston… Anna’s going to be practicing driving! Beep beep!!!!

2. Get out of credit card debt. Another grown up resolution, which is kind of depressing. But being in debt sucks, so I am devising a plan to get out completely, even if that means I need to get a part-time job. 2006 - the last year Anna owed money!

1. Visit New York City more often. Or at least the same amount - about once per month. I’ll be kicking off this resolution with a whirlwind trip tomorrow night, to celebrate The Post Show’s DVD. And some guy with a fro’s birthday.

I am, quite frankly, brain-dead this week. So brain-dead, in fact, that I couldn’t even think of something to make a list about. Weird, huh? Anyway, today you’ll be treated to a list of the top 5 things I’m thinking about this week:

5. Will Nick remain famous now that he and Jessica have split? I really hope so - I think he’s so sweet! I read that he has a sitcom in the works, which I would totally watch. Or at least, I would support it in theory. And I’d download a couple of songs off his next album. On another note - I’ve never been happier to learn that a woman refused to sign a prenup. Go Nick!

4. What on earth makes people think that it’s okay to litter? Do these people walk down the street and think, “Gee, you know what I really like to look at when I’m outside? Trash! There’s just not enough of it around! So I think I’ll just drop my Dunkin’ Donuts cup on the sidewalk!” Or maybe, “Well, that’s enough of today’s news. Hmm… there’s a trashcan 3 feet away, but that’s really too far for me to walk with this thing. I better drop it here.”

3. Who will go see the new Harry Potter movie with me? The only friend of mine that likes the books, Nicole, already saw it without me! ARGH! I don’t have a problem with going by myself, but it’s so fun to talk about how the movie compares to the book afterwards….

2. When will Alexis’ blog be up and running normally again? I’m dying without it!

1. You know how in the movies, mall Santa Clauses have fake beards, and inevitably some child pulls it off, causing chaos and stampedes? Has that ever actually happened?

I can not stand Paris Hilton. I think that she’s shallow, stupid, and annoying. And I swear, if one more person tries to defend her by saying that she’s just putting on an act for the press, I’ll have to throw up. Since when is it better to act like a moron? It’s not like it makes her more attractive! Anyways, I recently discovered that the top 5 reasons I hate Paris are summarized quite nicely in her latest attempt at “writing” - Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All To Me (which, thanks to Alexis’ “generosity,” I have recently acquired.) All of the following are direct quotes from this book.

5. “Try not to date guys your friends have dated. It’s disloyal - but worse than that, it’s unoriginal.”

Who actually thinks that it’s worse to be unoriginal than a bad friend? I can now see why she has to keep swapping out best friends. Jerk.

4. “If you can’t think of what to say when someone asks your opinion, say one of two things: 1.) ‘Cute!’ or 2.) ‘Loves it!’ ”

Okay, I know she’s a moron. But now she’s telling other people to be too? That’s, like, so NOT hot!

3. “If people aren’t nice to you, they’re jealous.”

As opposed to people being mean/rude/not-ass-kissing because they don’t like you. UGH! I am so tired of these women that say they don’t have women friends because girls are always jealous of them. That is, quite frankly, one of the most egotistical thing that can come out of a person’s mouth. While there are clearly *ssholes out there, odds are that if a lot of people aren’t nice to you, it’s because you suck. Deal with it.

2. “If you don’t know the answer to a question, smile your most beautiful smile and everyone will forget the question.”

Again with promoting stupidity! Hey Paris - nothing wrong with smiling, but NO ONE forgot the question. And instead of thinking that you just don’t know the answer to one question, we now think you’re a completely empty-headed bimbo.

1. “One of my heroes is Barbie. She may not do anything, but she always looks amazing doing it.”
Okay, in the first place: Barbie has about a million jobs. She’s a doctor, a business-woman, an airline pilot, a flight attendant, a veterinarian, a teacher, a pro basketball/soccer player, a ballerina, a gymnast, a queen, and has even run for president. She does everything, and actually tries to show girls that they can be whatever they want to be. Paris, on the other hand, does nothing all day, and tell girls that it’s okay to act like an idiot. And she has hideous clothes. However, I must thank Paris for this quote. It sums up EXACTLY why I hate her.

Hey, pick-up lines have their place. But do they need to be this ridiculous? All of the following are ones I have either had directed at me, or at a friend I was with. It’s appalling.

5. The Complete-Lack-of-Originality Line: For Halloween one year, Emily & I dressed up as devils. Multiple - multiple - guys responded to this by saying, “Are you girls devils? Then D*MN do I want to go to hell!” Real original, fools.

4. The “Are You Kidding Me?” Line: While visiting some friends at a different college, this guy started hitting on Em, saying, “So… where are you staying tonight? Cuz… you know… I have a bed. A big bed. I’d share with you.” I immediately fell off my chair laughing. Literally.

3. The Completely Idiotic Line: Again, with Emily, this time at a bar in Boston. Some drunk fool is hitting on Emily, and I, being in a crappy mood, am horrified that he’s anywhere near us. Plus, his idiot wingman is trying to talk to me about something stupid and boring. I hear the drunk segue from telling Em he likes her hair to asking, “I like the gap in your front teeth. It’s sexy. Did you have that put in?” Who even thinks this? Scarred by his stupidity, we fled to the safety of the bathroom.

2. The Borderline (or not so borderline) Racist Line: I have had way too many guys start conversations with me by asking if I’m Asian. While this is annoying, I can usually laugh it off. However, one guy responded to me by saying, “Don’t lie to me, girl. I know you know how to make fried rice.” Jack*ss.

* As an addition to this category, a friend of mine was recently asked, “Are you black? Really? What kind? Like, African or Regular?” I swear I’m not making this up.

1. The Insulting Lines: Three weeks ago, I had a guy approach me, talk normally for a minute, then tell me that I’d look better if I did something with my hair. To which I responded, “Well, you don’t have to look at it” before I walked away. What is with this new approach? I’ve read about it all over the place, and I’m horrified that there are girls out there that fall for this crap.

I’m not one of those people that embarrass that easily, which is something that I’m supremely grateful for. Perhaps it’s because I have a pretty ridiculous sense of humor - I’ve always been able to laugh at myself. However, even us cool cats have been horrifyingly embarrassed at some point or another….

5. Ah, public farts. They’re embarrassing, for sure. Even more so when you’re the new student in 6th grade and it’s the third day of school and you still don’t really know anybody that well and you let out a ridiculously loud fart while doing sit-ups in P.E. Seriously. I’m shocked that I still made friends.

4. So, I have this cute pair of work pants. They’re black, with kind of wide legs and a cuff. I wear them with heels - have too, because they’re long. And sometimes, when I’m walking, the heel from one shoe somehow gets caught in the cuff of the opposite leg. And I trip. Most of the time I catch myself, but last week I fell. And landed on my face in the middle of the office. In front of the Vice President. I know, I know - I’m really cool.

3. And speaking of falling… I slipped on the stairs at the Harvard T stop this morning, and did a stair-skid down about 11 steps, before breaking my fall on a 50 year old guy in a suit. Luckily, he had better balance than I did, so I didn’t end up on top of him on the ground. Just smashed up against him. Sigh.

2. Freshman year of college - that time in my life when I acted like a jack*ss in the school cafeteria on a regular basis. One time, however, my foolishness accidentally ended up embarrassing me. Imagine it: I was sitting at the front of the cafeteria, in the chair right next to the main aisle that people come in. My friend couldn’t see if the boy she had a crush on was at his normal table, and didn’t want to take the risk of looking, in case he was. I announced that I’d scope out the situation, stood up, and started looking around the cafeteria. After a couple of minutes, I located the hot boy and turned back to my friend to tell her where he was. Then, I turned to point him out, as I lowered myself back to my chair. Sadly, the turning and sitting at the same time was too much for my uncoordinated self, and I ended up on the very edge of the chair, which promptly shot out from under me, clattering into the main aisle. I landed on my butt, where I promptly broke into hysterical laughter. Alexis immediately started laughing as well - and if you’ve heard Alexis laugh, you know it draws attention. It also made me laugh harder, which made it impossible to get up. So I sat, laughing like a maniac, on the floor of the cafeteria, while people literally stepped OVER me to get around, and everyone else stared. Ah… good times.

1. A couple of years ago, when my boyfriend and I first started dating, we were wrestling on the couch. Well, to be precise, he was tickling me, and I was shrieking and trying to get away. Eventually, I managed to sit on top of him, thinking that would save me. It didn’t. I kept telling him that if he didn’t stop, I was going to wet my pants. Luckily, I didn’t lose control of that… but I did lose control and let out an enormous fart. That would have been embarrassing enough - too bad I was still sitting on him at the time, and I ended up farting in his lap. I have NEVER been more mortified.

And, that’s all the news that’s fit to print. Peace out, my lovelies.

And I’m back. You know you missed me.

Today, we’ll be talking about the 5 grossest things I’ve ever seen happen on the T (that’s the subway, to all you non-bostonians). Or as I like to think of it, “Proof That Humans Are Becoming More and More Horrifying.”

5. I was sitting in the train, listening to my tunes and people watching, when I saw a woman, dressed in a navy pin-striped business suit (skirt, not pants), with her hair in a french twist… picking her nose. And not a gentle “brush” - she was digging there. I’m not sure what that was about - did she forget she was in public? Think she was invisible?

4. A couple months ago, I saw this guy - looked like a construction worker or painter - full on jacking off on the train. He thought he was being subtle, I think - he had on a big jacket that sort of covered his lap - but it was totally obvious. The weirdest part was that he wasn’t looking at any of the girls on the train while doing this - he was looking at an ad for Shaw’s Supermarket deliver service, Peapod.

3. This older man was standing next to me on a crowded B-line train. He looked harmless enough, but as the train got more and more crowded (I HATE the B-line), we got pushed closer and closer together. He decided to take this opportunity to rub himself up against me. Repeatedly. I didn’t really notice at first - I thought people were just jostling him - but as his freakin’ package got more… umm… pronounced, I realized what was happening. After shooting him my death-glare, I shoved him off of me and pushed my way through the crowd to go stand somewhere else.

2. As my train home finally pulled up, the man standing next to me covered one nostril with his finger, and blew. A huge rocket of snot came flying out of his nose and shot down to the ground. I looked at him, horrified, as the train doors opened. He pushed past me on the train, seemingly oblivious to the fact that when you blow your nose, you’re supposed to use a tissue. Obviously, I walked one car back.

1. This morning, there was a hugely pregnant woman on the train. She had to be at least 8 months along. Anyways, she waddled into the train, and looked around for a seat. None. So she asked this 30-ish business man sitting next to me if he would mind giving up his seat. He looked up from tapping in his Palm Pilot and said, “I was here first.” Then started typing away again. I was floored. I got up, shot him a dirty look, and told her to take my seat.

Seriously… what the h*ll is wrong with people?

You know how they say, “Your biggest regret won’t be things you’ve done, but those you didn’t do”? Well, here are my Top 5 Regrets. Most are things I’ve never done, but some are things I did do, so “they” are clearly not always right. Oh, and all 5 are from college, because that’s the time that everyone makes the stupidest decisions (and, not so coincidentally, has the most fun):

I recently started a fantasy football league, after making fun of fantasy sports for the past 2 years. Here are the reasons I was wrong (so wrong!) about it:

1. POSTING! It’s like posting on blogs, but with a smaller group of people; or like IMing, but less annoying! We can talk about football, who the hottest football player is, how geeky we are for doing this, about boy cooties….

Now I have to go pick my starting line-up for this weekend’s games.