Always Anna

My friend Ally sent me an email, announcing how she would die – and said that I could find out how I would die by going here.  So, of course, I immediately clicked on the link, filled in some information, and discovered that, “At age 45, you will be eaten by birds in Manhattan’s Central Park.”

As you may recall, I hatehatehate birds, and am a little afraid of them too.  So, now that I know they’re going to kill me, I have a legit reason.

“Feathered friends”?  Try the winged menace!  Ugh.

tired tired tired tired tired.

What with birthday parties that featured raspberry vodka, a college graduation party featuring beer, and a casino that featured MORE raspberry vodka, I didn’t get nearly enough sleep last weekend.  Or Monday or Tuesday night, when I had to catch up on the stuff I didn’t get done last weekend.

I’m running on empty, folks.

NOOOOOO!  Chef, don’t leave me!!!

Where will I get my salty chocolate balls now?

But you know what sucks more than being sick?

Being sick on a weekend.  A weekend when you had big plans to go snowboarding for the first time all season.  On the only weekend that has had good conditions so far this winter.  Instead of carving up a mountain in Maine (or, more accurately, falling over repeatedly as I tried to remember how to turn), I spent the weekend chugging VitaminWater and EmergenC as if my life depended on it and watching a ridiculous amount of movies.

Stupid, congested, achy head.

I’ve been accused lately of being too judgemental. Not in real life – in real life, I’m pretty nice. No, I’m too mean and harsh about celebrities.

While I’m not as clever as some other girls, I have a tendency to spew venom at the TV, or magazine, or website that carries celeb news. Quite frankly, I am just tired of seeing tacky and talentless people shown as the height of cool.

Celebrities are supposed to be the people that we look up to; they are supposed to be the people that we want to be like. But instead of having classy, cool, interesting people in the spotlight, I feel like all I see are train wrecks that make me want to throw up. Instead of thinking, “Wow, so-and-so is so cool,” all I ever think nowadays is, “Are you freakin’ kidding me? What the h*ll is wrong with these people?” No one seems to care about how they present themselves, or think about what comes out of their mouths. I miss “old Hollywood” – the days when stars were glamourous and sophisticated; when famous people were seen as people to look up to and admire.

We used to have Marilyn Monroe – a sexy, stunning, talented star. She made great films, lit up the screen, and kicked off Playboy magazine. But even with her string of marriages, nude photos, and personal issues, she always came across in public as a woman with style and charm. Contrast that with Paris Hilton – today’s version of a sexy blonde star. She can’t sing, she can’t act – she can’t even model well. She comes across as a trampy, dumb bimbo that doesn’t have a single attribute worth extolling. And she looks like her chihuahua! So why’s she famous? Why is she taking up space on TV and in magazines and online? Why does she get a TV show (which isn’t even entertaining), when there’s surely something better to put on there?

I’ve run out of patience, so here’s my plea:

TV: Stop throwing stupid reality shows, with their lame contestants at me. Original or interesting reality shows, such as “Project Runway,” “Trading Spaces,” even “Beauty and the Geek” are fine. But do we need 25 different “dump a guy/girl” shows? Do we need ANY reality show that involves plastic surgery? PLEASE show some creativity, revive the sitcom, do something to provide me with real stars.

Music: Stop churning out crappy musicians. I know you’re having trouble adjusting to the digital era, but here’s a hint – stop investing your money in talentless, computer-generated “singers” (especially ones that are really actors/models) that think mismatched clothes and too much eye make-up mean that they’re artistic. Sign some of the truly talented musicians/singers that are out there (I know they exist), so that I can read about interesting, cool, cutting-edge celebrities.

Movies: STOP GIVING FILM ROLES TO PEOPLE THAT CAN’T ACT. For a reminder of what a bad idea this is, see Fair Game. There are a million talented actors out there that would do a much better job, and would probably cost you less money. You wonder why you’re having trouble making money on your films? No one wants to pay $10 to see bad acting.

And finally, famous people: Stop talking just to hear your own voice – If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything (you’ll seem mysterious). Wearing pasties and hot pants doesn’t make you seem sexy, it makes you seem desperate – leave something to my imagination. If you don’t know how to dress, hire a stylist, or copy someone whose look you admire. This does not include horrifying trends such as Mary-Kate’s homeless-chic. And for god’s sake, stop overexposing yourself – I don’t need your name on my clothes, make-up, perfume, etc.

On Saturday night I was walking home from a barbeque/backyard party, and I came upon a couple on the street. The girl had the guy backed up against a wall outside the bar, so I assumed they were making out. But when I walked past them, I heard her ask, “So who do you want? Me or her?” He didn’t answer, and she repeated, as she pressed herself up against him, “Who do you want more – her or me?”

I don’t GET girls like that. Are you so desperate for attention that you’ll throw yourself at a guy that clearly has no interest in you? That hits on other girls in front of you? And that is probably only using you for sex – and not making any secret of it? Do you have no self-respect?

I’ve certainly been involved with *ssholes that didn’t appreciate me, and have made a fool of myself over a jerk. But I’ve never understood the girls that throw themselves at guys that aren’t interested, thinking that winning them over somehow validates their attractiveness/sexuality/self-esteem. Do these people have no pride? No sense of self-worth?

These girls – the ones that read books like “He’s Just Not That Into You” and are surprised to learn that if a guy doesn’t call, he’s not interested – make me feel sick. Get some freakin’ common sense, and stop embarrassing females everywhere! (And that just reminded me of Poop’s hilarious post on the subject….)

Maybe I have too much pride, but people need to learn when to bail. If he’s not into you, let it go. There’s other fish in the sea – and other boys at the bar.

Here’s a shocker for you all – New England weather sucks. And Boston’s sucks most of all.

This morning, The Weather Channel informed me of today’s forecast:

Considerable cloudiness with occasional rain showers. High 72F. Winds NNE at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 60%. Rainfall around a half an inch.

Hmm… that’s funny, because it’s been pouring ALL FREAKIN’ DAY, and has been hovering in the mid 60s. We have at least a couple of inches so far, and have been issued a flash flood warning. Fabulous.

I keep repeating in my head, “Self, remember how cold you were last winter? At least this is better than it was in January. And at least it was nice last weekend….” But then I realize that it’s SUPPOSED to be nicer than it was in January – it’s July ferchrissakes, not November. And summer is supposed to have sunshine and blue skies, and preferably be dry, so I shouldn’t need to feel grateful for what should be normal. Sure, this is better than freezing to death… but it’s ridiculous that the weather is so bad that I need to be thankful for the 15 nice days a year.

Why am I living in New England again?

Had a great weekend mourning the approaching collapse of all liberal things that I hold dear. After lounging on the beach, eating a lot of meat, drinking a lot of beer, and doing a tiny bit of shopping, I have managed to push (almost) all thoughts of politics out of my head. Almost.

However, I’m not going to regale you with stories of the weekend. I’m sure most of you had similar experiences. Today, I’m going to whine about how much I hate – HATE – the new Destiny’s Child single “Cater 2 U.”

In addition to sucking, I think the song is completely offensive, and sends an absolutely appalling message. So, I’ve decided to let you know what runs through my head when I hear this song or see it on MTV. Lyrics are from www.seeklyrics.com, and my thoughts are in pink italics next the line.

[Beyonce]
Baby I See You Working Hard
I Want To Let You Know I’m Proud, what the hell is going on in this video?
Let You Know That I Admire What You Do
The More If I Need To Reassure You,
My Life Would Be Purposeless Without You I’m sorry… you need a guy to have a purpose in your life? Lame.

If I Want It (got it)
When I Ask You (You provide it) YOU PROVIDE IT? B*tch, go out and get it yourself!
You Inspire Me To Be Better
You Challenge Me For The Better Did she really just rhyme better with better? Who wrote this song?
Sit Back And Let Me Pour Out My Love Letter

Let Me Help You
Take Off Your Shoes
Untie Your Shoestrings Ummm… who the hell WANTS to do this? Sh*t, the only time I offer to take off my guy’s shoes is if he’s too drunk to take them off himself
Take Off Your Cufflinks
What You Want To Eat Boo?
Let Me Feed You Hell, I’m staying barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen anyways
Let Me Run Your Bathwater Is she singing to her son? This is getting a little twisted – too much of a “mommy” fetish, if you ask me.
Whatever You Desire, I’ll Aspire Umm… great….
Sing You A Song
Turn My Game On Because after taking off your shoes, feeding you, and running your bath, I’m TOTALLY in the mood
I’ll Brush Your Hair
Help Put Your Do Rag On
Want A Foot Rub? I’d only offer to do this if I was getting one in return. Actually, I still wouldn’t do it. Feet are scary.
You Want A Manicure? Hello – this is what salons are for!
Baby I’m Yours
I Want To Cater To You Boy UGH!

[Chorus]
Let Me Cater To You
Cause Baby This Is Your Day
Do Anything For My Man
Baby You Blow Me Away I think I’m going to hurl
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More Slippers? What am I, your freakin’ golden retriever?
Anything You Want, Just Let Me Cater To You

Inspire Me From The Heart,
Can’t Nothing Tear Us Apart
You’re All That I Want In A Man;
I Put My Life In Your Hands Because god forbid you take care of yourself?
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More Not again…
Anything You Want,
I Want To Cater To You

[Kelly]
Baby I’m Happy You’re Home, Maybe this verse is better…
Let Me Hold You In My Arms
I Just Want To Take The Stress Away From You
Making Sure That I’m Doing My Part … doesn’t look like it.
Boy Is There Something You Need Me To Do
If You Want It
Say The Word Please tell me this song is a joke
I Know Whatever I’m Not Fulfilling
Another Woman Is Willing WHAT? So do whatever he wants because otherwise he’ll leave? D*mn, all I have to say is good-f*cking-riddance. Who the hell wants a guy that would leave you because you aren’t in the mood one night? And how on earth to they think this is the kind of song that young girls should be singing?
I’m Going To Fulfill Your Mind, Body, And Spirit

I Promise You I’ll Keep Myself Up ohmigod
Remain The Same Chick
You Fell In Love With I can’t deal with this
I’ll Keep It Tight,
I’ll Keep My Figure Right because clearly you have nothing to offer except for your freakin’ body.
I’ll Keep My Hair Fixed,
Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits Yeah, I’ll still be wearing hot-pants when I’m 50 too. That’s hot.
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder,
I’ll Roll Over ARGH! Are you freakin’ kidding me?
Baby I Heard You, I’m Here To Serve You F*ck these girls. Clearly your needs aren’t at ALL important.
If It’s Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy
All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy

Chorus again, then Michelle’s verse, at which point I’ve already tuned out, too angry to keep listening.

Obviously you need to be giving in a relationship, and doing nice things for your boyfriend is fine and dandy. But setting up the expectation or belief that this is what a woman needs to do to keep her man – because if she doesn’t, some other woman will – is one of the most appalling things I’ve heard. And it’s coming from the girls that previously sang about being “Independent Women”! Have they changed their minds? They’d rather ask a guy to give them things than provide for themselves?

I’m not going to lie, I’ve never really liked Destiny’s Child. But I’ve never had beef with them either, until now. And with garbage like this coming out of their mouths, I’m really freakin’ glad that they’re disbanding.

I hate Bush. Everything that comes out of his mouth is crap. CRAP.

I’m also completely horrified by the idea that Mitt Romney is considering a run for presidential office in 2008. I’m still not sure how he got elected governer here in MA… what on EARTH makes him think he has the experience to be President? Hmmm… maybe he’s following in Dubya’s footsteps. Shudder.

I should be clinging to the belief that the Democratic candidate will win, but I’m terrified about who is going to decide to run. I’m really praying that we don’t have a long primary season with too many candidates, as we did this last time around… and I’m also crossing my fingers that there’s going to be a candidate that I actually like. So far (without naming names), I’m not particularly impressed. I must agree with media underground’s ana, who points out (very powerfully) that liberals have no role models, no one to bring our party back to life. No one we’d be willing to follow to the end.

Calgon, take me away.

Apparently I missed the memo saying that Texas Tuxedos are back in fashion.

I saw THREE woman on my walk to work this morning wearing full-on, head-to-toe, denim outfits: one had on a denim skirt with a matching jacket, one had on jeans with a lighter colored jean jacket, and one – one brave soul! – was wearing dark denim pants and jacket with a lighter colored denim top. I was horrifed – I thought for a moment that I’d time-traveled back to the 1980s, when it was okay to do this. Alas, this was not the case.

Who on earth wakes up in the morning and thinks, “You know what would look really hot today? My cute new denim outfit. It’s SO cool looking”? Well, apparently Ralph Lauren does, as he’s currently shilling these outfits:

I’m in shock. Clearly the fashion industry – and most people – need to consult with me before getting dressed in the morning.